Read at your own risk.

I think everyone on this planet would agree that there are just some things you can't talk to anyone about. I mean, I suppose you CAN... but a lot of times I find I just want to be able to talk. Not looking for feedback, comfort, etc. Just to hear myself think. I like writing in this journal. It's kinda cool looking back at all my previous posts. What I was feeling, how I viewed things. It's a testament to my growth, and I like growing. I yearn to grow.

Today went better than expected. I had to tests today and I think i did pretty decent on both of them. My brain was pretty shot after school and I just wanted to come home and relax.

The past week or two I've started questioning myself again. I suppose I get like this when I do poor on a test or forget to pass in an assignment. I hope that anyone who reads this doesn't find that lame. I mean I know that I have a lot, and that I have plenty of opportunity in front of me. But right now... it's all about school. Each class represents an important piece of this huge ass puzzle we call college, and I need each one. I realize I still have so much to learn in this life, and a lot of what I learn is necessary or results from college. I feel like I'm rambling. Oh well. Just an attempt to explain things. I just need to study more. No harm in that, right? Just don't want to end up like those guys that are so closed off and introverted... I won't be like that if I study more, will I? I'll still be me, right? I don't want to sacrifice too much. I like the idea that I'm a rounded person. I want to keep that image.

Saw Richie today. First saw him speeding down the street on this little mini motorcycle thing when I was outside petting Stacey's cat, Link. Then as Stacey and I were leaving for my house, he made another round, riding right behind us with this blank expression on his face. I couldn't tell if he'd changed... or that he was acting that way because he saw me. Normally I would picture him riding down the street yelling and screaming, smiling. As we passed his house, saw Kurt. He looked rather skinny. It was weird seeing them. I look at Richie's house every time I pass by, hoping to see his car. I had almost gotten use to him not being around, and then I see him. I'm not sure why I look for his car... I guess I still hold on to that speck of hope that he'll forgive me, shake my hand, ask me to play some CS with him and get some Taco Bell. Like old times. But the fact is, he never will. Especially Richie. Figures that the person who would least likely forgive me I want to be my friend the most. Wanting what I can't have... I sound like my dad. Great.

Life is good otherwise. Just chugging along I suppose. Starting to feel a little like Stacey recently. Like I'm stuck in quick sand, slowly attempting to make my way out, yet unsure if I ever will or not. I haven't been on a real vacation in years. I don't know if I'll make good money when I get out of college. It's so far away... I want it to all pay off, ya know? I guess I need to look at it on the microscopic scale. Studying pays off for a test. Going to bed early pays off in the morning. Saving money pays off at the end of the month when I can go out or buy myself something nice. So how much am I suppose to be looking at the future, and how much now? They're both important right? I hear different answers all the time. Ha ha, depends on the movie I suppose.

There's just not enough time in the day... Time feels so fast in some respects, and so slow in others. I guess that's just the way it is. Never have time to fold my laundry, shave my face. But PLENTY of time until I graduate, heh. Weird.

What do I want?
To be content? Why do I like that word more than happy? I feel like happy is temporary, sometimes superficial. Content is right in the middle. Logical, practical. Is that right? I want the fancy car, yet I have brief thoughts of how it doesn't matter how fancy it is, or what brand it is. Why does money have to represent a measure of success? Why?!?! It pisses me off. Success is what I envy, not the BMW convertible. Yet I often believe they're the same. It's confusing. I envy success, yet it fuels my aspiration. Most people don't know how to distinguish the two, I'm sure. It's hard. Life is hard.

I need to stop thinking people are happier than me.

BRB Gotta take a shit.

Ahhhhh. That's the nice thing about Taco Bell. You're always guaranteed a lovely shit the same night you eat there.

Yea so apparently I haven't written in this thing for almost a year. I've decided it's time to start it back up.

The initial reason I signed on to my LJ account tonight was to see if Stacey's been writing in her. She went to sleep tonight without saying goodnight to me. Probably a first, so I was a little worried. Wanted to see what the dilio was, see if she had maybe written anything in her LJ. But she had also stopped writing in hers just like me.

It was crazy looking over all my old entries, seeing how I felt about certain things, events that occurred. I was more ambitious last year, more confident I think. Heh, seemed like I was more on top of things then than I am now. That can't be good. Need to change that. Still need to study more, lol.

Went out tonight with Paul, Bryan, Berto and my old pal Ryan to the Meridian. Had a really great time. I was so glad Bryan picked tonight to go. Live DJ night. He was awesome. Played all types of music, and all GOOD music. From Boston to Outkast. Crazy. He reminded me so much of Theron. Ryan actually recognized it even before I did, which I didn't expect. The beret, pulled up socks, dressed to impress. I miss Theron. He's a wise man.

I've decided I'm a pussy. I'm a mouse. I've been this way a very long time, and it's just hitting me. I need to stand firm with my beliefs and decisions. I need to DO what I SAY I'm going to do. Tired of other people trying to support me, help me. I honestly don't need their help, though it is much appreciated.

I'll be honest, there are some things I am a little bit afraid to mention in this LJ, and for just one reason. Repercussions. They're not necessary, and hopefully I won't have to think about them much longer. Need to make some steadfast changes, that's all there is to it. Need to stop being influenced so much. I'm tired of it. Need to get back on track. Life is hard, no matter who you are what you do with it. Hard being the opposite of easy, which I need to fucking grow out of. Need to make better use of my days. Making lists don't help if you just end up procrastinating what's on your list, lol. It's not an objective solution I seek. Time management is not what will cure me. It's inside. I have all the god damn skills I need. (Wow, didn't even capitalize "god", I must be a badass ;) )

Well I got some things out. It's nice to be able to vent to something that is completely incapable of responding. Score. Definitely got to take advantage of that, heh.

Got a killer headache from nicotine overload. Bryan lied, the Taco Bell didn't make it go away. But I'm sure the Baja Blast didn't help much. Oops. I'll retire for now, but I'll be back! Same time, same channel.
Goodnight.

Oh yea and I'm still going to record my dreams in this thing. That was a good idea. Had a few cases of Dejavue tonight, no record of it thought =/ . Hey shut up! Don't diss my theory. My precognitions come true dammit! You can't prove otherwise so shut it. OK I'm really leaving. Bed time. Can't wait to see Stoicey tomorrow. I feel like an ass saying I wanted her there, after telling her I didn't. I'm sure she loved hearing that. At least I know now. Hmmmm, if doctors can separate siamese twins, maybe they can like put two people together. Graft some skin or something, that would do the trick. Anyway, I'm sorry Stacey. I guess it was just something I had to figure out on my own. You're awesome and you probably would have won at Phase 10, lol. Could have pissed Bryan off more than I did, but oh well. Next time. I<3U.

I bet no one even checks this thing anymore. Oh well, that's not the reason I write in here anyway.

I just had a horrible nightmare.

I was lying in bed, on my back, without any sheets covering me. It was dark. I awoke to the sound of someone entering my room. I tried to lift myself up to see who it was...but I couldn't move. I was frozen stiff with uncontrolable fear. As I lay there scared to death, the figure drew closer. Closer. I am helpless. He finally comes to a stand still not 3 feet from my bed. I can only make out his silouhette. Now I can feel the hatred and rage in his heavy breathing. I cannot tell who it is...but I know he is staring directly at me. As I try to speak and ask who is there, I realize my jaw is disconnected. I cannot speak. I try with all my might, but not even a whisper emits from my mouth. I'm shivering now. Starting to cry. I just want to speak. But it hurts to try. So afraid...

Then I woke up. It's been a long time since I've had a nightmare like that. It felt more real than any dream I've ever experienced.
After I woke up, I walked out into the living room and noticed that the door to the 4th bedroom, which has been unoccupied since last summer, has been opened. I run back into my room with fear similar to that of my nightmare that I was sure I had just awoken from. I put on some shorts and a sweatshirt and grabbed a big black umbrella with a long metal tip at the end. I think to myself "I hope he doesn't have a gun". I walk outside and immediately lock the front door. Nobody's coming in or out now. I check the living room, balcony, the unoccupied bedroom and Ross's room since he's gone to Tampa to Busch Gardens. The coast is clear. I check John's room to make sure he's all right. The snoring is like music to my ears. I'm locking my door from now on.

Why is it that dreams can have such an incredible impact on our conciousness. They're not real. But they feel real. It was so vivid. Like it actually happened. And when I woke up, I still thought it had...

"Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?" -Morpheus from The Matrix

Can't sleep now. It was a good effort. Only thing to drink in the house is green tea, mountain dew, tap water and beer. I chose the dew. See you in a few hours, sun.


P.S. I wanted to call someone when I woke up. I wanted to hear a kind, soft voice telling me that everything was all right. I wanted to call Stacey. But I didn't. I didn't know if it would be right. She'll probably tell me later that I should have...but I wasn't sure at the time. I then realized that I don't want to be alone anymore. I need someone. Someone who thinks about me...even when I am unaware of it... Someone to comfort me. I don't want to live this life alone. I want to share it with someone close to me. I want to make it count. Look back at the long road that is my life...and smile...

Man...

Even if I tried to describe the way I'm feeling, or how wonderful she is...it just wouldn't cut it. But I'll see if I can find some words. Wish me luck.

Del the Funky Homosapien - Games Begin


Come on and let the games begin
'Cause the game begin when you coolin' wit ya friends
And the friends to tha end that don't pretend
So have fun, have fun, have fun while it lasts

It's time to max, relax, ask anybody
You got off work, you know your boss is a jerk
Wether you a clerk or a rapper like me
We all need to kick back and be care free

See, no plea barginin', no harborin'
Negative attitude when you're out with your dudes

Damn it feels good when the weekend comes
Ya done finished your homework, ya out with the buds
Clownin', ya'll downin' whatever goes

You throw in a tape hear a nigga kick his flows
Cruise down the strip and pop at some hoes
Ya'll still havin' fun
No matter what scenario ya chose

Even on the solo with those
Take off ya clothes
But not without the condoms
'Cause that's bose

Those woke up the next day, call ya patna's
Pitch in for a ten and start up the festivities
No fuckin' worries when ya livin' free of stress
That's why we always smoke bomb, fuck sess
Ya'll feel the best when ya'll say less
At the (?) 'cause it's June 'cause we outta school

Come on and let the games begin
'Cause the game begin when you coolin' wit ya friends

Come on and let the games begin
'Cause the game begin when you coolin' wit ya friends

Come on and let the games begin
'Cause the game begin when you coolin' wit ya friends
And the friends to tha end that don't pretend
So have fun, have fun, have fun while it lasts

Your friends are ya friends, like no matter what
Other fools get from ya team
It seems like they dream of gettin' next to you
But all they really do is pester you

'Cause they marks
Always wanna start funk when you wit 'em
'Cause when he got beef wit a nigga
He thinks ya'll will get 'em

Now he rollin' with your crew
But with no crew
He wouldn't be poppin' doo-doo
His ass would be through
But now he drug you into it
And yes, all your boys
And now you gotta kill the noise

He destroys the whole vibe by frontin'
Tryin' to be hard, but he just Napoleon Bonaparte
A little nigga tryin' to take command
Thinkin' he the man, but fuckin' with him
Ya'll w'all kick the can

I can't stand a fake
I kick it with my real nigga's come spring break
That's the ones I look out for

Never doubt your pals
Fuck them gals, don't let 'em separate you
Your friends and you will be chillin'
When that bitch hates you
Yeah, and I say

Come on and let the games begin
'Cause the game begin when you coolin' wit ya friends

Come on and let the games begin
'Cause the game begin when you coolin' wit ya friends

Come on and let the games begin
'Cause the game begin when you coolin' wit ya friends
The friends to tha end that don't pretend
So have fun, have fun, have fun while it lasts

Now when ya got business to attend
Take care of that
and afterwards fuck with your friends
Don't put shit off 'till tomorrow
Do it right now before you fuck with your pals

That's the down period, rest and relaxation
At that nigga Plus house
Let's go to nations and get fit
When life is the pits

You know I check my friends, make sure they legit
Wether is freestylin', you know we stylin'
Nigga's pillin' up with the gin in the cup
Or a blunt and no english, so nigga's think ya fiendish

Playin' NBA Jams and just like the beats we slam and dunk
Callin' niggas punks when we was poppin' junk, playin' dozens
'Cause we like cousins, and brothers
I wouldn't have it any other way
You know what they say, all work and no play, ect

He,. so the day after my entry on religion, my Stress and Anxiety Management professor assigns a take home pop-quiz. This is what we had to do...

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html

Apparently I'm 100% "Unitarian Universalism"
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8041_1.html

See what YOU BELIEVE IN!!

I'm sitting here in the lovely and secluded Marston Library, listening to a little Jimmy Eat World as I put off doing my math homework.

Both today and yesterday, I've been feeling really disappointed in myself. Everyone keeps telling me they see this awesome potential inside of me...but I don't see it. Maybe I can vaguely sense that it's there, but I am utterly incapable of tapping into it. I Thought I was complacent in my life, but today I definitely feel otherwise.

I put off writing a 3,000 word paper that was due today, and I only studied for a whopping 10 minutes before my Stress and Anxiety Management test that was also today. Luckily the test was really easy.

So after the test, headed over to the Reitz to grab some food. This was when I got really depressed. I swear, it's like some mathematical equation, because the the more people there are around me, the smaller and more alone I feel. So I got some taco bell, sat down at a 4-person table by myself, as usual. I hated it. I hated having to keep my eyes open. I didn't want the pain. Having to look, and see EVERYONE around me is sitting with at least one other person. Chatting, laughing, smiling, and enjoying each others' company. Occasionally I would get my hopes up when I saw someone else sitting alone, only to find out later their friend was up getting some Subway.

Life was so much simpler in elementary school. I was so happy.

But now, my main objective has been to avoid confrontation. As I was sitting and eating, these two guys sat down at the table across from me that I had met at a party Saturday night. They were really cool. But I just sat there...hoping they would notice me, and ask me to sit with them. They never did. And it's my fault.

I don't know if I can do this any longer. I want to go home. I miss my old friends.

I can't seem to figure it out. Do other people feel this way? Am I really that messed up? Why do I like my friends from back home so much more than up here? Is it because I choose to? Are they just better? More real? Why don't I make more of an effort to make new friends?

What is it about confrontation and initiating conversation that I am so afraid of? What do I have to lose? Well I've heard the answer to that one a million times. Nothing. But I don't even know THAT for sure, because I've never tried.

I know I'll get over these feelings of disappointment and loneliness. I'll tuck it away somewhere in the back corner of my mind, and move on with my so-called life. But I can't stand feeling like this, and I want it to stop. I want to be able to say, one day, "I have no regrets".

So what should I do...? Heh, maybe I need professional help =/ . But I'd like to think I can fix this on my own.

I've decided to turn Agnostic. Because I just don't know anymore. A couple weekends ago when I went down to Ft. Myers with my Dad to vist my grandparents, the four of us attended one of my grandpa's A.A. meetings. A.A. stands for Alcoholics Anonymous, a program created to assist and help recovering alcoholics. My grandpa is a an alcoholic, but has been sober for nine years thanks to A.A. He's very proud and happy now. We're all proud of him. So anyway, at these meetings, you basically sit at these really long tables and listen to everyone's story. And one of the things A.A. incorporates is God. God is the answer. God will guide you through the valley of the shadow of death yada yada yada. So basically everyone in there that turned sober gives their credit to God. They all found God. They all said they couldn't do it on their own, no matter how hard they tried.

Why is it that men only find God when their lives have turned to complete shit? It's when they come to the point where they can no longer take care of themselves, and decide to call upon a "higher being". One that is "all wise, all powerful". Could this be a coincidence? I mean, what if people simply created God to help them through tough times? Well, I refuse. I will not become dependent on some imaginary being that has never shown himself to me.

While I was walking on my way to class, I looked up at the clear blue sky, and said to myself "Why God? Why would you create such a beautiful and intricate world with infinite possibilities...but not take credit for it? Not interact. Doesn't sound like much fun to me."

I can't explain why we're here, or where we truly come from. And I won't blind myself with naivety just to feel secure and content.

The only things I can rely on are myself, my friends and family, and certain death. Okay maybe that last one's a little crude.

Seeing is believing.

Wednesday night.

Hanging out in the apartment, just got back from running. About to begin writing a paper for my Stress and Anxiety Management class. Should be easy, just don't want to start it =\.

Things are going pretty good in my life. Just need to stay on top of my classes. Can't get behind or let the work build up.

Love life is pretty much at a stand still. Well, I shouldn't say that. I consider myself "looking", even though I never really pursue. Oh well, can't stress it. Just hopeful, that's all.

Hmmm... Going to cook some spaghetti before I write the paper.

So it's Saturday night, just got in from hanging with Dad all day. I'm pretty sick of hanging with him because he's such a downer. Every time we hang out all he does is tell me about how shitty his life is. And I completely understand that it really is shitty, but I just get tired of hearing it. Can't help it. It'll be nice once he digs himself how of that hole. I want to see him happy, but instead I have had to sit here and watch him tear his own life to pieces. I should never have to have this type of concern for my own father, but it's been placed upon me anyway. Just gotta stick by him as long as it takes I suppose. GL Dad.

Eating a TV dinner right now, listening to Maroon 5. Going to head over to Nate's in a few, see what's cookin'.

Back to G'ville tomorrow for a week. My buddy Matt's coming up to stay the night Wednesday with his sis who is touring the state universities. It'll be good to see him. I can definitely add him to my "close friends" list, and I'm proud to say that.

I had a really good time this week. But I can feel Gainesville calling me. It's weird. Like I know it's the right path for me to take, deep down inside. But I love my friends here. I don't want to leave them. Every day I ponder what the future has in store for me. I hope it's cool. I hope I make a significant difference. All this college has got to pay off, have to make sure of that.

My friends and I are growing up. We're each following our own path. Our opinions and perspectives on things are shifting and separating from one another. Different from highschool, where often times we didn't think for ourselves. It's a beautiful thing. But sometimes it catches me by surprise. I'll here Richie or Nate or Emily say something that they feel to be true, that I would have never expected them to say. It's awesome learning from your friends. About life, love, wrong and right. I value them so much.

Well, off to Hooters it seems. Should be interesting. "Water w/ lemon please". Wait, maybe I'll get lime instead...

Monday night.

Had a good day today. Spent it with Dad. Then when I got home I found out I got a B in Engineering Economy. How awesome is that. I'm so frickin' satisfied it's not even funny. That class was HARD.

So then I got hang with Kurt Richie Jen Paul and Jason. We're having a good time. I call Nate. Says we can come over. Man. Stuff went down hill after that. He kicked us out. Not the first time he's done that. Didn't think it was necessary. But I guess for him...he just wanted to hang out with Weg and Hailey anyway. Guess he didn't want us there in the first place. Bugs me that he decided to use the shitty excuse of "I have to get up early tomorrow". I'm a better friend than that Nate. At least I thought I was. He could have just told it to me straight. Oh well. People grow up and change. He just felt differently about the situation. It's different for me I guess, 'cause I have my own place. Don't give a shit. He still lives at home, has to keep up the rep. Whatever.

And then another part of me feels he wouldn't have kicked us out in the first place if Paul hadn't lit up in the kitchen. He should have asked first. So it was almost like I felt like i could still stay...say it techincally wasn't my fault. But I'd never ditch Paul like that. It was just a horrible set of events that transpired. Nothing can be done about it now.

Still going to be here for the rest of the week. Not calling Nate anymore.

Bored now. I left Double Dash over there 'cause I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible because I was so mad. Guess I'll cycle through my 8 tv channels.

Tomorrow's another day.

Good evening Live Journal, how are you today?

Just sittin' on the couch in the living room with my laptop utilizing excellent wireless internet. My computer died. REALLY don't want to format. I have so much stuff on there that I don't want to lose.

WOW what a week. 2 tests, 3 quizzes, and shitty homework which I just submitted. NO MORE ENGINEERING ECONOMY FOR ME SUCKERS!! Time to relax. Week off from classes. Going to go home, get my car all fixed up and looking spiffy. Hang with friends, and hopefully hit the beach at least once. Casperson most def.

So kind of a weird phase in my life. The two friends that I thought I had lost forever have both come back to me, and within a week of each other. James Newberry and Lindsey Ragsdale have returned to my life once again. Pretty cool.

Kind of want to die my hair dark blue. Saw this commercial advertising hair die, and it looked like this girl had just died her hair black until the sun hit it, and it shined blue. PRETTY NIFTY IF YOU ASK ME. Any comments on that people? Must be the emoness growing inside of me due to this LJ... =\ But...nothing wrong with experimenting right? ...Right......

Lonely. Want a girlfriend. Bad. But whining and complaining won't get me anywhere, so I'll just have to deal. Patience Trey, she'll come around. Maybe it'll be some hot female RA... mmmmhmmm!

Well, whoever reads this thing is lucky I don't have any drama in my life right now, so this entry is relatively short. You're welcome =P

NOTICE: This is my Live Journal. I write in it whatever the @#$% I want. I make it public so that people might get a better understand of how I tick, the emotions I feel. The people that I love and hate, and those that hate and love me back are ALL included in here. If you begin to feel offended or disgusted in any way by the comments or accusations in this journal, I would HIGHLY suggest stop reading it. And please, do not attempt to confront me about anything that you feel to be false or personally insulting in my journal. It is my own opinion. You are more than welcome to leave a comment, which I would most appreciate. Thank you, and thanks for all the fish.


Back in G'ville once again, just found out the good news about MJ. Innocent bitches. NOW say something when I jam to Thriller. SUCK MY BACK.

What a crazy weekend. I had such a good time.
Let's recap shall we?

Thursday: I arrive in B-Town, hook up with Paul and Berto, then Hailey as we hang out at the Meridian for an hour or two until I can't stand the smell any longer, not to mention the music. Yuck. So we meet back up at Wired w/ Weg, then Kurt and Anthony show up. Cook kids, just chillin' and doing whatever they want, out to have a good time. I envy them. So Hailey and I split up once again for the same reason as Kurt, Paul, Berto, Anthony and I go chill and smoke. Man it got a little crazy that night, and man did my car smell the next morning. =P

Friday: Run some errands with Paul, waiting for Hailey to get off work so the three of us can catch Mr. and Mrs. Smith. So we decide to meet at the Regency, only to find out that it's sold out. Oh darn. So once again we meet up at Wired, and Hailey offers us something to do. "SWEET" I think, finally something to do in this bloody town. So we head over to her friend Jessica's place w/ Shady, and start smoking in the garage. It was kinda cool. I love smoking with new people. Heh, and I especially loved seeing Hailey take some big hits. Made my day. So then James calls from Nate's phone, says he's finally made it in town and would like to chill. I say cool and give him directions to Jessica's place WITHOUT asking her. That was my bad, I totally didn't think about it. To Jessica: My apologies for not asking you first, especially since finding out that you don't care much for Mr. James Newberry... =\ So I meet James outside and we talk for a little, and I find out James is out of balloons. Oh darn. Stupid me suggests that Jessica may have some inside, even AFTER I had already told him he couldn't go inside. Let's say I was a little "absent minded" that evening. So we get some Taco Bell and return to Jessica's, sit on the couch and watch a little T.V., when Jessica informs me we have to leave. I'm cool with this, because I understand it's her house and that she has a problem with James, as have a lot of people I know, including myself. So we depart. Hailey says she's going to stay because she doesn't like balloons. That's cool too. So the three of us (Paul, James, and I) relocate to Paul's and just watch some more T.V. in his room. BSTV is some funny shit.

Then the shit comes. Transmitted electronically through cellular phones. I know what you're thinking, how could shit possibly do that? Well it can, and it did. Hailey has an issue. But me? I don't even offer her a tissue. She claims I ditched her at Jessica's, complains about being alone even though it was her choice to leave Jessica's, and blames me for not getting tickets to the movie. I saw NONE of this coming. I'm tired of her creating conflict and drama out of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Ok, so maybe it's not "absolutely nothing" to her. But to me, that's how I see it. We interpret things completely different. And if she has all these problems and issues with our relationship that I can't even begin to understand, then I have no choice but to let her go. We view the exact same scenario differently. And why should I even attempt to resolve an issue that I feel should never have even taken place in the beginning? To salvage our friendship? To make everything better? It's not worth it. I've never had to try so hard to be FRIENDS with someone. It hurts me too much and I can't stand the way she makes me feel when we start fighting. I want to live in peace. Have fun with my friends without worrying about what to say or if in the next 5 seconds we'll start screaming at each other. She just doesn't make any sense to me.

After the weekend she came up to Gainesville to see me, she told me how confused and upset it made her that we had had sex. So we both agreed to never do it again, learning from past mistakes and all that. I think it's for the best. And then the next night she texts me saying "What if we agreed to just satisfy our sexual urges as friends?" Like we've never tried that before Hailey..., and I tell her that it wouldn't work. But she's like the old dog that you can't teach new tricks, because the next week at the Meridian she's all flirting with me, and giving me those "I want your cock" looks. I'm like WTF! So the night continues and we're sitting in my car and she confesses that she wants to kiss me, since she sometimes kisses her other friends, and therefor it's "OK". Luckily we don't. Why can't we just establish an honest friendship, something that Emily and I are capable of achieving with utmost ease!

I still don't get her...and at this point it's clear to me that I never will...

Ahem...
Saturday: I get to hang out with ALL my close friends. And what's this? AT THE SAME TIME. WOOT. Another good night I'd say. Except this time...I actually felt bad about splitting up, as Emily, Richie and Jen departed and Paul, James, Kurt, Anthony and I go to chill at Anthony's. I mainly felt bad about Emily. We were having a really good night, and I left her to go smoke. Something that she doesn't do anymore and wishes that I didn't either. For me, I've begun to realize that smoking has somewhat divided my friendships with people. It used to be simple, where everyone was ok with doing whatever together. But now, some of us have drawn the line at places where others feel the line doesn't exist all together. I think it's better to agree to hang with the people I want to, and if they don't want to do something they don't feel is right, then I ought to make the sacrifice for their company alone. An apology goes out to Ems for that. And I do appreciate her being content with the activities I participate in that I know deep down inside she doesn't approve of and probably worries about. Next time I'll make the better decision.

Another issue that I'm not sure is worked out yet is the thing with Kurt. I didn't realize how upset he was that I chose to spend the weekend with Hailey instead of him. I'm not saying he SHOULDN'T be upset, just that I was unaware of the degree to which he was. I want to work it out and make things better, but I suppose the only way that's going to happen is just to let him give me shit about it a little longer until he's satisfied =\ , unless he actually feels like talking about it. :::gasp:::

So back to the boredom for another week. Maybe I'll actually pick up my sax sometime, or head out to that bike trail place. Who knows. I have homework, 2 quizzes and 2 tests this week. Gotta get in the habit of studying or else I'm FUBAR.

Oh and no more McCallister's Deli for me. Second time going there, second time ordering the roast beef sub with au jus, and the second time getting diarrhea. Coincidence? I THINK NOT. I had to run to the bathroom 8 times during this entry.


P.S.
I didn't like Mr. and Mrs. Smith. =P

Yea so I kinda already started writing this entry, and then my computer decided to crash. (Looks like you're not the only one Paul) So I guess I'll start over and try to get out what I was thinking before.

Bombed my Engineering Economy test today. Failed it. Miserably.
I keep telling myself that it's the professor's fault. Because he's Russian and hard to understand, doesn't explain anything and doesn't cover problems that will specifically be given on the tests. But then I realized that even if he is a shitty teacher, I still see kids getting 100's on like EVERYTHING. So I've decided that if THEY can do that, then I also have that capability.
I know I don't study enough. I can't remember the last time I was fully prepared for a test. 7th grade maybe? Class really hasn't ever been my top priority, but now I believe it really needs to be. I have to study more. Earlier. Do what I know needs to be done. Get it done.
A quote taken from Vanilla Sky: "the sweet just isn't as sweet without the sour", which I feel translates to "if I study and work hard, it will pay off and the times when I chill and have fun will be much more meaningful and enjoyable".
Only one way to find out. :-) From now on I will begin to attempt the homework as soon as it is assigned. I have to do really well on the final exam, or else I'm phuqed. Royally. So many consequences will erupt if I don't pull at least a B in this class. KNOW the material Trey. Doesn't matter how long it takes. KNOW THAT SHIT NIGGA!!!

Going to relax for a little, let this sense of failure subside a little. Need to catch up on math homework. Going to attempt to exercise this evening.

P.S. If anyone actually does read my journal, I'd like to say that I love comments. So post one.

WOW. Lots of Cherry Coke running through my system right now. Definitely has an influence on my personality.

Just got done with some Engineering Economy homework. Man that junk is really frustrating. Having to format just right, zip it with the correct file name, and send it as an attachment by 11:59 PM!

Not much to report today.
Hailey and I had a long conversation yesterday evening. I was glad to talk to her. I think we were able to work a lot of things out. Kinda wish it didn't take THIS LONG to finally become JUST FRIENDS. But it was a good ride overall. Coming home again this weekend. Should be a good time. Going to try and get as many of my friends in one place at the same time as physically possible, like I always do. Everyone always gets along and it's a lot of fun. Would like to go to the beach. Wish Paul didn't have hydrophobia, then we could hit up the beach together, as well as other water related activities. We did go canoing once, 10 cool points for him on that one. Oh well.

It's a little annoying when my mom e-mails me and tells me that her and my dad have been discussing my future, and my dad has this grand authority that I believe he DOES NOT deserve. He's such a wreck. He's DEFINITELY not a role model anymore, and I don't look up to him. So why should his opinion even be considered when dealing with MY future? He can't make any right decisions for himself, let alone others. But whatever, he's still my dad and I will always love him and be there for him when he needs me. I just wish people would stop expecting so much out of me. It becomes difficult to live up to sometimes.
But I am learning to take care of myself and make decisions and choices on my own. They're entitled to their opinions, but once I'm solo and financially self-sufficient, I won't have to obey to their every command. :::executes middle finger:::

Pizza time. Dut, dut dut dut dut.

WOW. Slept ALL day... Pretty depressing.

So my last entry was Wednesday.

Since then, the only thing that's really happened to me worth mentioning is Hailey coming up to see me.
It seems it was going to be either her or Kurt coming up to visit me, and my preference out of the two was Hailey, for reasons I'm sure both you and I can both agree on. So I lied, again. Told Kurt that I would be going out of town this weekend so that it would be pointless for him to come up. I'm an ass. I'm sorry Kurt. But I made my choice I suppose, maybe that's what's important...?

She arrived Thursday night straight from work. The first night felt a little funny. We filled up the space with shitty pointless conversation, most of it derived from her side. Sometimes she really gets to me. It's like she creates scenarios where she will be able to know if you're as smart as her or not. So it's not exactly like she thinks she's smarter than you..., but that she's curious to see if you're AS smart as her. Like she's testing me. I guess it's a way of proving herself to others. Really frustrating. Like for example, she apparently had the need to tell me that shooting stars...AREN'T REALLY STARS!! NO FUCKING SHIT HAILEY. How degrading is that, to assume that the person you're talking to doesn't know what shooting stars really are. It was always this underlying competition to see who knows more, over-laced with "pleasant conversation". So that scenario happened quite frequently.
That night she slept on the couch. Her choice. Friday's another matter, heh. She wanted to go "out". Thank God for rain. So instead we strolled over to apartment 1903, had some drinkies. Both got drunk, came back to the apartment, yada yada yada.

I know we've both always had this physical attraction to each other, but I'll be honest, I really didn't want this to happen again. I guess it was fine at the time, but it creates ties. I don't want any ties.

Oh yea, almost forgot. I've decided to write my dreams down in this journal. The main reason is that many times in the past, things have happened that previously happened in my dreams. I'm almost positive of it, but there's only one way to be sure. To write it down as proof. So here it goes. Last night I dreamed that I went to visit Emily and Mike Wilson at their new job. I know they both work at the Y, which is probably why I envisioned those two working at this place, but nevertheless, it was weird. Their new job was at a super-market, quite similar to wal-mart, except that in the center there was an area made especially for special powers. Cool huh? That's where Ems and Mike worked. They had baby blue shirts on, and were showing me around. I learned how to make things levitate. It was so real. I remember thinking "I want to show everybody". I believed it so much, that even when I woke up and new for a fact that it was just a dream, I tried to make my navy blue sharpee levitate off my right hand.....It didn't work. Sad. Wish I had super-powers. Then I'd finally be convinced that I'm different from everyone else. I'm going to go research telekinesis now. =P

Back in G'ville. Just lit some candles. Listening to some hip-hop.

I'm beginning to realize how much of a routine I'm getting into. Get up, go to class, come home, hope someone calls me with something to do, procrastinate and put-off homework until I'm too tired to procrastinate anymore and pass out. Spur of the moment occurrences rarely happen anymore, which makes me a little sad. I just hope all this diligence and obligation will pay off some day and I will be able to make a significant difference in the world.

Every day I'm becoming more aware of my avoidance of confrontation. I remember laying on the beach next to Hailey telling her how I'm a "waiter", and I don't mean in a restaurant. It's the truth. I've become so afraid of how people will react to me that I just wait around for things to happen. For people to want to see me, for someone to talk to me, and the worst of course: waiting around for a girl to approach and talk to me. I've told people this before, and I'll tell them again. It's clear to me what needs to be done, but it's more difficult than people think. My friends and family will advise "well just go over and talk to her". Easier said than done. Then they say, well you're just afraid of rejection. This might be true. But I'm sure there are other factors involved. The fact of the matter is I need a breaking point. I refuse to live the rest of my life like this, and need to reach a point where I just can't take it anymore, and I finally gain the amount of courage necessary to confront others first. Heh, unfortunately, I'm waiting around for this time to come as well.

One night last week, when I became so bored of just sitting around, I got up and went for a drive. On my way back to the apartment, there was a girl walking down the street in the same direction I was, and as I passed I saw that she had wanted a ride. She had stuck out her thumb. I immediately told myself that "it was too late, I've already passed her". That was my reasoning for not turning around. As I kept driving, I was so angry with myself. I gripped the steering wheel so tightly, grinding my teeth and cursing. I kept asking myself what would have happened if I'd picked her up. I'm not saying I was expecting anything miraculous to happen, but I was so curious as to what kind of person she was, why she was stranded, where she needed to go, etc. I knew I would regret it the rest of my life. And yet still I would not turn around. I kept asking myself why, why didn't I give her a ride. I realized I've become so complacent with the life I've created for myself, that I've been refusing anyone else to make a substantial impact on it, even though that's all I want. And it's not that I'm afraid of what people will think of me, I'm afraid of how I'll make people feel. They're almost the same thing. I'm afraid that I'll fail in making someone like me. I think it's because I'm not used to people not liking me. And if I find someone who does, I convince myself, and soon others, that it's not my fault. Maybe that's what I need to do? Experience what it's like for someone to truly not like me as a person. But that would require being my true self, not holding back. I've always put off this shy, quiet persona as to not risk someone not liking me. I should just be myself. Say what I want to say without giving someone else the opportunity to say it first. I've always assumed that people would appreciate it more if I gave them their time in the spot light, consciously allowing them to say what THEY want to say, even if I'm already expecting it. I'm tired of saying and acting the way I think people would want me to in order for them to like me. This is not a true likeness. Few people like me for who I really am, as opposed to the two cents I provide that they want to hear and appeals to them.

Is this a breakthrough? If so, how long will it take to achieve? I'll have this LJ as reference. First mission: concentrate on just being and acting who I am until someone DOESN'T LIKE IT. YEEESSSSSSSS. It'll probably be tough, I might cry. (j/k) But I think it's important. Wish me luck.
NOTE: If you already truly don't like me, think I'm excessively annoying, or just plain old ugly. I'd appreciate an e-mail listing my CONS sent to Shoot2ill@hotmail.com Thank you.

It's important for a person to be aware of his or her faults. I hope to discover this is just one of mine.

Yea so I'm back in town again, so to speak. I went to Daytona Beach yesterday afternoon, spent the night, and just got back into Brandon.

I ran into Hailey Friday night, and she said she was going out of town to Daytona and asked if I wanted to go. I had never been to Daytona and thought it would be cool to go, see the beach, and chill w/ Hailey for a little. I had a pretty good time, until the drama erupted of course. But like always, we eventually got passed it, or maybe SHE eventually got passed it I should say, like always. Gets old though. It bothers me how she always makes herself out to be the victim, and holds no regard for how she's treating the friends around her when she puts on the drama queen crown. But I'll admit that the length of time that she stays angry or upset at someone has significantly reduced over the 3 something years I've known her. She's getting better at resolving her issues faster as opposed to holding a massive grudge or stabbing someone in the middle of the night (figuratively speaking). 10 cool points.

Since I've created this live journal, I've realized that in it lies the truth of my life, and is accessible to anyone who decides to view my AIM profile. Because of this fact, I feel that I am going to have to change my lifestyle a little. For one thing, it seems I will no longer be able to lie to people, friends, family, about my whereabouts or who I am hanging out with, since all the truth is set free on this website. I never quite figured out why I would lie to people about things that I think they wouldn't like me doing, or maybe just wouldn't understand, but nevertheless, everyone deserves the truth. And for that I would just like to apologize to my best friend Paul, because yesterday when I left for Daytona w/ Hailey, I told him that I was hanging out with my Dad all day and wouldn't be able to see him. I think I lied because I knew he'd freak if I told him I was chilling with Hailey again. And I don't blame him. I was a little freaked out myself when I saw her Friday night at Wired. I was so nervous I was shaking. But then I realized that she hasn't changed. She's still "good ole Hailey"..., although I believe she would prefer to say otherwise, because we all know there are people out there that want to change themselves because they are unsatisfied with how they live their lives. I'm not saying that people don't changed, just that she hasn't. I'll give her credit that she's more "mindful of her thoughts" as Obi Wan would say, but it's still the same Hailey I've always known.

I really wish people didn't look down on me because I smoke now. But it's ok, I just hope that they will eventually except me for who I am, even if I start doing heroine. (j/k)

I still have a few friends I still need to see. Paul, Ems, Nate, and some others. Didn't get much sleep last night due to the fact I had to sleep on hard tile because none of the girls in the hotel room in Daytona would give up their comforter. But that's cool, I went and slept in my car instead. First time doing that. It was alright, very isolated and quiet. Little cramped though. At least I know I could pull it off in the future if I ever had the need to.

Gonna catch a few hours of sleep before hopping back in the car again.

UNTIL NEXT TIME...

Yea so I'm back in Brandon now. Glad to be here. Got to see a lot of good friends tonight. Good night overall. I sometimes wonder if I had gone to USF instead, if I'd have these good of times ALL THE TIME, since I'd be around and everything. Guess I'll never know. It's just really nice to be around friends that I'm close with, been through a lot together, history and all that. I don't have that in Gainesville. I don't know if I ever will. It seems like sometimes when I hang out with UF kids, I do it just so I don't feel alone, like for the soul purpose of just having someone to talk to. I'm tired of having to make new friends. I don't have the motivation to start new friendships that I feel will not reach the level of my friends back home. It's like I feel it's not worth it.

Well that's all the emo-ness I have for tonight, gotta get up early tomorrow to taxi my dad to Tampa. Hooray...

So here I am. I've created a live journal. I am slowly reaching the same level of hypocrisy as my friend Emily has by doing this. I apologize to all the people I've given shit concerning these things. I take it all back.

All of my friends I've made here at UF have gone home for the summer, while I'm still stuck up here taking summer classes. I'm really lonely and bored most of the time. But hopefully I'll have an exciting weekend for a change since I'm going back home. I can say that even though I have made some new friends, they'll never compare to the old. I wanna keep these guys around forever. You guys know who you are. We gotta chill this weekend.

But for right now, what I SHOULD be doing is homework that is due Sunday by 6am. Don't ask about the funky deadline. It was supposed to be friday by midnight but these kids with sticks up their asses wanted to extend the deadline, so the Professor got all sarcastic on his ass and set it to that bizarre time. I really can't stand it when people in my classes shout out stuff and ask retarded questions to make themselves feel better about themselves. And when they try and prove the professor wrong and FAIL, gotta love that. My skin cringes when people say stupid shit in class rooms. It must be the acoustics in the lecture hall that amplify and echo the arrogance and stupidity of the person talking that does it in for me. Can't help myself.

But yea unfortunately the only thing I can find to talk about are my boring classes. Would like to change that. So glad I finally have my car again, so I'm not stuck up here permanently. I'll probably just go home every weekend now...